I’ve been doing some soul searching lately. I realize that I am having trouble moving forward in my life. I’m caught up in past emotions and heartache. I’ve noticed that I still talk negatively about my ex-husband, way too often and to way too many people. I don’t really know why I still bring up the long, torturous story. I doubt anyone else, including me, wants to hear it anymore. I’ve moved past relationships prior to that one and I really need to let this one go, minus the co-parenting and his crazy new wife. Lol.
I don’t think I will be able to enjoy another relationship unless I let this one go. I’ve already let a potential one slip through my fingers because of fear and just got out of another because I like my independence too much. So how does one let the hatred and hurt feelings go?
I’m not sure of the answer to that question. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to tell me. I’ve done a lot of work on me in the past few years. I’ve learned new things about who I am as a person. And I’ve lost 50lbs! I have spent a lot of time helping my children adjust that maybe I haven’t adjusted myself?
Don’t get me wrong. In no way do I want to go through that sham of a marriage again. But there is a deep hatred there that started long before the marriage ended. I try to be as civil as possible, since for good or bad, he is the father of the two greatest blessings in my life.
I feel like God has someone else out there for me. I don’t know who, where, or how to find him, but I would hope that God would bring me someone great, not perfect, but fun. Someone who enjoys life. I just don’t think that can happen unless I let these old hurts go and the past go. I have to let the hatred go. I don’t have to like my children’s father. That would be expecting a miracle, but he is my children’s father, so like it or not, he will be there. Hating him is not doing me any good. My hating him doesn’t hurt him in any way, only me.
So I pray this prayer tonight. Lord, please help me let go of the hate and negativity which has taken up residence in my heart. It doesn’t deserve a place there. It needs to go to make room for my future. Please help me. I have to let go.
this is not what I ordered: check please! 
Accepting a new normal is never an easy process. First, you have to decide what you want the new normal to look like, then start taking steps to make it happen. When I walked away from Ironmans and eventually all triathlons I had to decide what I liked and what I didn’t want to do anymore, then form new goal processes and plans to achieve them.
50 lbs is amazing! Congratulations on that! You can do anything that you want to do, and achieve anything that you put your mind to.
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I didn’t realize that you had walked away from triathlons and Ironman. You are right though. You’ve got to do what makes you happy. My first step was walking away from my marriage two years ago. My second step was the excruciatingly difficult process of losing weight while taking a necessary medication that has the side effect of weight gain. My third step was leaving a job that stressed me out for one that I love, one where I can make a positive difference in the lives of my patients. I guess I just need to be patient, which is not at all easy for me, and see what God had planned for me and my little dudes. I know at least that I can take care of them on my own and manage a household on my own. There is freedom in that.
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