This month has been the beginning of a new me. I’ve been working on this for awhile, or rather God has been working on this for awhile. I am a stubborn nut to crack. I try so hard to maintain control of my bipolar disorder that I have built up huge walls so that no one can see the mental demons that I wrestle with on a constant basis. I didn’t even let God in. The walls began to crack and eventually fell down. I had a complete mental breakdown, the kind that makes you wonder why in the world you are here in the first place. I was drowning in a sea of worry, doubt, fear, and the mental demons that have plagued me for years. Then Jesus grabbed my hand and drew me up from the water and into the safety net of His boat. I have been crumbling and He has been using it for His good. Letting go of control hurts so badly. To ask for help has been painful. To allow others to see the pain and know the crazy thoughts in my head has been excruciating. My story isn’t over yet. The bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder are still present. Those will not go away. But God can use my brokenness for His good. I do not know yet his plans for me. I feel that He will use my story of bipolar disorder to help others. I will wait and see. And let Him be in control. He does it better anyway.
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