An Anniversary Came & Went Without My Noticing

This is not a post about my former wedding anniversary. Nope, this is a post about the first anniversary of my divorce being final. February 2nd, 2015 is the day I closed that chapter and started another one. Funny thing is, I am just now realizing it. I guess divorce anniversaries are odd. Maybe I’m just enjoying life more now so I forgot to notice.

So much has changed, mostly good things. I could name them all, but then I would be repeating my last five posts or so. I will spare everyone a rehashing of the story.

Now that I am 41 and will be 42 in June, I’ve decided to get rid of as much negativity in my life as possible. Part of that process was letting go of being an admin of a group I had belonged to for several years. I felt like a school marm most days in a group of 8000+, many of whom acted like a room full of 3rd graders. It’s funny how letting go of something so simple can make such a difference. I feel free now. Not that I don’t still belong to Facebook groups, but I am now unburdened by them.

Another step in removing negativity was letting go of my former job and diving headfirst into a new position in a new department. I was at my former job for 4 years, so I made quite a number of friends along the way whom I miss. The job itself, however, was impossible. Now I am actually having fun at work! Who would’ve thought that was possible?

There is one area that I am still working on. I am trying to forgive my ex-spouse. That has proven extraordinarily difficult and downright impossible. Not so much for the emotional roller coaster I was on, but for my kids. I feel for them. They don’t think they have a real dad. It’s sad to me that my eight year old keeps asking me when I am getting him a new dad, a real dad. How do I answer that question?

I am dipping my toe in the dating pool, I guess. For me, it’s a foreign concept and downright frightening. After being married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and whom I consider borderline sociopathic, how does one trust herself to choose wisely and not hurriedly jump into another doomed relationship. I wonder if other ex-spouses of people not unlike my ex-husband feel the same way. Scared to put myself out there for fear of getting hurt. Not trusting myself to make wise decisions. How does one who has been traumatized open themselves up for possible further trauma? That is a question for which I do not have an answer. All I can do is pray for God to lead me in the right direction, wherever that may be.